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Message from HR

Dear esteemed friends and allies; this is the final questionnaire of 2019. As I have explained, these have been innovated to replace our trial of the innovative AI-based HR guidance system, which unfortunately revealed the biases of some of the (very much external) AI inputters, resulting in the unfortunate termination of all non public-school-educated employees (BAME employees are also slightly light on the ground). This left the company somewhat top-heavy in the board department but also slightly lacking at the so-called coal-face (smiley face emoji).

Do you ever say:

‘I feel blessed’?

‘Living your best life’?


‘I’m liking’, instead of ‘I like’?

‘Because I’m worth it’?

‘I know, right’?

‘Life hacks’?

‘Recycling’, of clothes, when you mean worn again? (esp. in regards to royalty)

‘Upcycling’ when you mean painting?

‘Other chocolate-based snacks are available’? (and think you’re hilarious)

‘It broke the internet’? (no it didn’t)

`How’s that going for you’?

It’s a school night? (you are not a pupil)

Every day’s a school day (no it’s not)

Are you, or have you ever been;

a landlord?

an estate agent?

Do you;

Use the word ‘woke’?

Not give way to pedestrians crossing the road?

Drive an electric car with no engine noise?

Watch porn in public?

At work?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above

You’re fired

Finally; onto the ever-thorny issue of the Christmas party. After much debate and to-ing and fro-ing, HR has decided the annual Christmas party will go ahead in our usual ‘Spoons’, but we will be  keeping an especially beady eye on any former Mcdonald’s employees.



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