A is for Apathy. Another opportunity to visit the ballot box and put an X in a box next to the candidate you hate the least. Theresa May is fond of reminding us that this is the most important election of her lifetime, but that’s only because she’s set to win a landslide victory. No one else can be bothered.
Just a few weeks to go until we get to elect 650 MPs. The election is coming, no matter how much you want it all to stop. Please make it stop.
B is for Brexit. Brexit is this election’s background hum, the annoying tinnitus sound you hear you when you try to sleep at night but can’t.
The election is a terrifying reminder that Brexit is here and will be for years, maybe forever. Brexit divides families, friends and a nation now destined to be alone for ever. Brexit wants you shouting at your old grandma for stealing your future.
Brexit wants your croissants, your chorizo, your sense of place in the world, your European city break to Prague. It wants to repatriate your uncle, who moved to Marbella to retire, and kick out all our NHS staff and builders.
Brexit has stolen our political sanity.
C is for Corbyn. Following on from Macron’s resounding defeat of the Front National in the French Presidential election, Corbyn is our own chance to defeat a woman of the right obsessed with immigration, stability, cultural homogeneity, and a long-gone vision of the the ethnic make-up of the country. Who is our Macron? The pretender from fringes, coming out of political obscurity… It is Corbyn. Unlike Macron, he is not young and photogenic, but a bearded, allotment-bothering vegetarian, who relies on Diane Abbott to relay critical campaign promises. God help us all.
D is for the Daily press. 80% of the UK’s print media is unashamedly right-wing. Unfortunately it is still incredibly influential and will probably steer the country into an unthinking conservative landslide.
E is for Education, Education, Education. If Theresa May had studied a little harder at school, she might be able to come out with more tangible and substantial ideas for the UK than constantly repeating ‘Strong and Stable’ on a loop, like a horrifically malfunctioning evil robot, whilst decrying the coalition of chaos and harping on about the most important general election of her lifetime.
F is for F*cking EU meddling in our election At least that’s what our own Supreme overlord, Theresa May believes. CRUSH THE SABOTEURS. SMASH THE EU. DECLARE INDEPENDENCE. FIGHT THE EUROCRATS ON THE BEACHES.
G is for Gay Sex Is A Sin. Poor old Tim Farron. The leader of the proposed progressive coalition is taking his moral cues from the Bible, he used to play in a synthpop band and still wears Dr Martens in his fifties. He is not to be trusted.
H is for Hung Parliament. Remember the glory years of 2010-2015 and the Con-Lib Coalition? If you’re actually lucky you might get to relive them. A hung parliament is about all we can really feasibly hope for. Oh dear. But it probably won’t happen.
I is for Iain Duncan Smith rapping The man who wants to destroy the welfare state and obliterate the poor, rapped the lyrics to Eminem’s Lose Yourself on Breakfast TV. He’s lost it
J is for Jeremy Hunt The man who wants to destroy the NHS is to the Tories what Diane Abbot is to Labour. Both are clowns, but having Hunt in actual power is not funny.
K is for Koalition of Kaos. This was a surprise cinema hit, telling the heartwarming story of a band of outlaws tasked with saving the innocent from an evil gang of thieves. Our only hope of preventing nuclear winter, the privatisation of the NHS, war with the EU, and the destruction of all we hold dear, lies in the Koalition of Kaos – an unlikely band of Marxist partisans led by Jeremy ‘Kaos’ Corbyn, trying to bring down the government against all the odds. Starring Yul Brynner as Jeremy Corbyn. Steve McQueen as John McDonnell. Charles Bronson as Diane Abbott. Cruella DeVille as Theresa May. Directed by Ken Loach.
L is for Landslide. Pray for a landslide to come and crush us to oblivion. Better than another five long years of mind-numbing existence under the kitten-heeled goose-stepping jack boot of Theresa May. Bring on the apocalypse, and hope the underfunded NHS can cope.
M is for Metropolitan Elite. They moisturise, use deodorant and respect women. They are the traitors, saboteurs and EU fifth columnists Theresa May and her pravda, The Daily Mail, so desperately need a mandate to crush into the ground with Brexit.
N is for Nuneaton.
Mythical Midlands market town used as bellwether to sense direction of the country as a whole. Current Nuneaton MP, Marcus Jones, won the seat from Labour in 2010, heralding their exit from government. In 2015 he held it, confirming predicted exit polls for Tories to sweep back in power. Marcus Jones once said a new law, stating all rented homes should be fit for human habitation, would create “unnecessary regulation and cost to landlords”.
O is for One In One Out. Your name might be down, but you are most likely not coming in. You might already be in, you might’ve even been in for the last 15 years, working, bringing up kids, contributing to the economy, and you could still be unceremoniously kicked out.
P is for Public Services In the year 2047, in the underground bunker we all live in after Theresa May used Trident to nuke Brussels in the First EU War of 2019. There you are, dying in your underground hovel without an NHS to care for you. Only then will you realise this apocalyptic future could’ve easily been avoided by voting for a peace-loving Birkenstock aficionado with a heart of gold and a beard of silver.
Q is for Question Time Leaders Special. Our own glorious leader can’t even be bothered to turn up and evilly repeat the phrase strong and stable into a microphone whilst looking like a cross between Darth Vader and Margaret Thatcher’s rotting corpse.
R is for Real People. They usually live in Nuneaton. Drive cars. Talk to each other about cars down the pub. Believe in things they read in the Daily Mail. Do not use moisturiser. For Real People, foreign includes the Scotch. Would rather vote for their own imminent destruction than a vegetarian with a beard who wants peace.
S is for Scotland. North of the border, up Scotland way / That’s where I fell in love, where Sturgeon above, came out to play / And now as I wander, my votes ever stray / North of the border, the SNP way.
Nicola was a picture, in old Scottish ways / Just for a tender while I kissed the smile upon her face / For it was independence, and the SNP had it’s day / North of the border, up Scotland way.
T is for Tony Blair. Rock and roll died when Tony Blair picked up a guitar and started playing Free’s All Right Now. Threatening to make some kind of return to politics. Claims best way to ensure to Labour victory is vote Conservative. Or possibly Lib Dem. Does not want you to vote for Corbyn. Do not trust this man.
U is for UKIP. Fortunately UKIP have been wiped out at the recent local elections. Unfortunately they were wiped out because the Conservative Party outflanked them by moving to the political right of them. The anti-EU, pro-banking, anti-immigrant, pro-cultural insularity party were a group of fringe lunatics. Now they are in power.
V is for Vote. The future is yours. Especially you moaning youngsters.
X is for what you mark on your ballot paper. The future is yours. It probably won’t be what you want, but then we don’t have proportional representation.
Y is for Young people The future belongs to you. The youth are the future. And what a future they’ve got coming to them. Fingers crossed you can apply for an EU passport and leave this godforsaken island. Otherwise you’re stuffed. Unless you’re a rich, white, straight, guy, from England. Then you’re fine. As usual.
Z is for Zzzzz. Wake us up in 2022, or whenever.