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Happy New Year

Welcome back to work

It’s the early days of January and it is important that a return to work doesn’t shock your Christmas metabolism too much. To make sure you don’t overdo things in the first month of the working year, take the following baby-steps:

– Ease yourself in gently
You may have got used to a nice sherry or daytime TV first thing in the mornings. Work tends not to encourage these little treats, so it’s probably best to set yourself up at your desk with a nice coffee and catch up with all the news you’ve missed on the internet.

– Start again
Make a clean break. Any work left over from 2012 can be safely binned. Start 2013 with a clean slate. All experts recommend this purging technique.

– New Year resolutions
Ditch last year’s work-avoidance habits, they’re bad for you and old-hat. Instead, invent a whole load more. Resolve to watch the whole of the Ashes at work, or maybe stick a webcam on your pet.

– Don’t go hungry
You have probably spent the past two weeks on the sofa stuffing your face in front of the World’s Strongest Man. You don’t want to do yourself a damage, so ensure you have plenty of food to last you till lunchtime and by then, you’ll probably be ready for a cocktail or two.

– You are not a weak person
Sabotage everyone else’s New Year resolutions.
Encourage people to swap office gossip in the smoking circle and bring chocolate into work one day, champagne the next. If your boss gets suspicious, just say it’s your birthday.

– Book a holiday
This will bring some light and hope into this long, dark night of the soul and is also another excellent work-avoidance tactic.

– Don’t forget the power of the Norovirus
If you managed to avoid the winter vomiting bug, you are now morally justified in taking four or five days off to avoid it spreading among your workmates. An act of moral excellence.

– Another act of altruism
If you feel pressurised into going to the gym, by all means do. Open the door, chuck £50 into reception and retire to the pub. You have just saved yourself a fortune.

– Resign
If all else fails and it’s getting a bit too much for you, wait till you’ve been paid and tell your boss where to stick his crappy job.

Nigel Phillips

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